Lt. Dangle, Kent 911
Halloween is a time for dressing up (and in most cases, dressing down) to act as someone else. No drama comes along with it, and your friends won’t tell you to “quit frontin”. In my latter years during high school, this holiday was a lost cause. I’d sit and pass out candy to my little neighbors- or little Spidermen, Tinkerbells, whatever name they went by that night. But it wasn’t till I saw kids my age, running around, having fun, and acting like complete lunatics that I got jealous. One thing was for sure, though- when they’d see me in front of my house, they’d never come by for a Milky Way or Twix bar. Maybe it was the fact that I was their age? Maybe they were embarrassed? Or maybe they saw my fake police hat and thought it was real? Yep. That was it. They saw my Billy club and thought I would crush them like a bug on a sidewalk? Damn right- I’d dress up as a policeman, straight intimidation. So, as my first college Halloween approached- I thought, Why not continue?
On the evening of October 25th, 2008, I was no longer known as Michael. I didn’t even go to Kent. No. Tonight, I was Lieutenant Dangle of Kent 911. Not to be confused with Reno 911.
The night started off slow- people didn’t go out at the set neighborhood time like the good ol’ days. College Halloweens start well after the little kids are home and breaking open their candy. Plus, a certain game was on, The Vest vs. The Bifocals, which temporarily paused all attention spans. Ohio State’s loss to Penn State was a bummer, but it sure didn’t halt the night. Lt. Dangle got to watch the game at a frat filled with O-H…I-O fans. Even the girls were glued to the TV- though it could have been their alcohol intake. Because of Lt. Dangle’s age, he was only buzzed off caffeine (underage drinking- you know, no one breaks that law).
One thing that sets high school outfits apart from college costumes is the absence of parents. Because I’m sure if Daddy saw his little Cindy-Lou-Who go out of the house dressed like Cindy Crawford, there would either be an increase in heart attacks or murders. Kent State may have been Moulin Rouge, but the guys won in the creativity contest. Last Lt. Dangle checked, underwear and a bra were not considered a costume. That’s considered a fantasy.
As Lt. Dangle strolled down Main Street, occasionally stopping traffic to allow his friends to cross the street (once speed walking away after he noticed a cop from a different force), “DANGLE!” calls came from left and right. Throughout the night, Lt. Dangle saw two imposters. Acting like a friend, Dangle himself jogged up to the phonies and complemented them on their attire. After all, What Would Jesus Do if He saw someone dressed up as Him? Exactly that.
As the night went on, the caffeine intake was beginning to mess with Dangle’s head. The going got easy, laughs came quicker, and walking became a struggle. That damn Pepsi messes with your mind.
One major factor that Dangle did not take into consideration was the amount of skin he was showing. Never before in his life did his shorts ride higher than Larry Bird’s. How anyone can play a sport in those, baffles him. With the weather in the mid-forties and pants a dreamland away, Lt. Dangle gained respect for these school girls and Britney Spears costumes skipping around. It wasn’t just the gals that were showing off excessive epidermis, though. Perhaps the costume of the night would have to go to a male that rocked his tightie whities only. Lt. Dangle and his force were walking towards University Street when a young man in a blazer said, “Here, you can have your coat back” to his friend. What was under was a sight that I’ll never forget…
A blow up guitar, Fruit of the Looms that would be tight on Mary-Kate Olsen, and “NAKED COWBOY” written on his behind. Cha chinggg. We have a winner.
Lt. Dangle pictured it to be a complete nuthouse on Main Street, circa Wendy’s/Burger King. Rumor had it that the National Guard was called in ahead of time- though Lt. Dangle remembers no such logo on uniforms (could have been effects of the Pepsi, though). Sure, there were cops every 50 feet, but there were no Rodney King incidents. Cops did not approach random people and integrate them. In his bubble world, no horrible incidents happened. Dangle’s first Kent State Halloween was going perfect.
That is until the Pepsi separated him from his friends.
The night came to a disappointing ending. With the horrible combination of frost bitten quadriceps and purple fingers, Lt. Dangle was beyond cold. With the force gathered around Robin Hood, somehow, someway, Lt. Dangle was left by himself. Lonely as Akon. He felt like he lost a child in the mall- calling out for his fellow mates, all he got in return was “DANGLE! Yeah, great costume!”
As much as Dangle loved being the center of attention, he hated the thought of amputation. Quads. Fingers. Nipples (Dangle’s bad, but you need to get the picture). It was pushing 2:00 AM, early given the event, but Dangle was riding solo and freezing. It became a Pepsi-induced jog/run to Manchester Hall.
After what seemed like a cross-Antarctica hike, Dangle heard a familiar voice. When he turned around, his neighbor yelled “Yo, I’m freezing!” This man (well, he was dressed as a beer bottle) was with Dangle just 10 minutes before. Pre MIA. “Everyone left me.” Everyone left Dangle, too! “I’m done, I’m going to get warm.”
So there was of the last scene of our night. Dangle and a beer bottle, jogging and wobbling to our dorm. As we entered the door, the RA’s faces said it all. “Pshh, freshmen…”
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